Dec 11, 2012

Feeling broken



Today I feel broken. I hadn't felt like this in a while. I guess my antidepressant sometimes fails me.

My life situation is more or less a mess, and I know it. I'm not being able to combine the tutoring sessions, the sewing, the writing in the blog, and the thesis. At this rate I'll never finish this thesis, and I'll continue indefinitely living in my parents home, without an euro in my pocket.

Right now I'm sitting at the University's big library. I'm surrounded by people 5-10 years younger than me, and I feel like I haven't evolved a thing since I graduated, 6 years ago. I remember when I used to study for my civil engineering course in these same chairs, and how miserable I felt.  Life was like an unpleasant chore, to be endured day after day, without complaint. I didn't even think much about my future. I was solely concentrated on being one of the best - because that was my definition of surviving. Yep - not of success, but of surviving. Today here I am, again, feeling miserable about my thesis and my lack of future perspective.

I know I have my negativity lens on. I know tomorrow things will seem a bit brighter again. But still, I know something needs to change, or years will continue passing by, and I'll keep feeling that life is passing me by.

I'm sorry for the negativity. I just needed to put these words out.

4 comments:

  1. this is your space to put your thoughts out. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

    PhD's are a phenomenal undertaking, and you've done so well to get this far. just take small steps at a time, and you will get it finished. Focus on today, and making today the best it can be. Take a walk outside in the fresh air. focus on the things you're grateful for and that make you happy. Stay strong and keep smiling.

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    1. Hi Linda,

      As I predicted in the post, I'm feeling better now. I was quite impulsive in writing these words, and afterwards I felt a bit embarrassed with the negativity - because I started this blog with the intention of making it positive.

      Thank you for your kind words, and for the good advice. A kind word is always good to the soul :)

      All good!

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  2. I've taken antidepressants for more than a decade and it's true that sometimes you still find yourself in a bad state. The hope is that you can always pull back out - like you did.

    You are still really so young, with so much time and so much life left to live. :)

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    1. Hi Jenny,

      Thank you for stopping by, for sharing your experience and for your kind words of advice! You are so right ;)

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